Week 93 - "If the imagined future is better, it gives you hope or pleasurable anticipation. If it is worse, it creates anxiety. Both are illusory" - Eckhart Tolle

hope you like the new look ;)

Something I’ve been thinking about recently is how what’s gotten me to where I am today might not be the best way for me to get to the person I want to be.

Unfortunately, much of my drive that’s gotten me to the person I am today was fueled by a constant comparison to those around me. The more others did, the more I asked myself for more in a never-ending pursuit of some undefined version of “better” that always seemed just out of reach.

And as bad as it sounds, I don’t know if it really was. I mean, it got me here, right?

Despite everything I told myself about how I’d feel when I got to where I am, I still feel the same way I did at the beginning of my journey. And as I look forward, I don’t think that’ll change.

But when does it stop?

Sure, the initial feeling of a recent opportunity I worked hard for felt great. But a week later, I was back in the same boat, wondering what the next destination was going to be.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way either. There are hundreds of goals I’ve had that I thought achieving would make me happy.

But here I am, feeling the same level of happiness(if you can even call it that) that I did at the start of it all.

I think part of it stems from always looking into the future. If my goals showed me a future with more “success”, I had hope and motivation to work towards it. And when I saw a less desirable one, I became increasingly anxious and worried about where I may end up.

Therefore, by always looking for the next “thing” to do or become, I tricked myself into feeling like I was on the right track just to realize that the track never ends.

It might seem like the solution to this problem is to just stop telling myself that “once I do x, I’ll be happy”, but for someone who believes that exact mindset is what got them everything they have, it doesn't feel that simple.

The more I think about it, the more I think the solution lies in really looking into myself instead of externally for what I want and why I want it.

It’s hard to admit but currently, I use the monetary value, prestige, and admiration of others as a proxy for self-worth, instead of defining it on my terms.

And even if it got me to a position I can have some pride in, I don’t know how much longer it’ll continue to do so.

Using my circumstances and external factors as fuel was ok to get me to my current position.

But looking forward, it’s becoming clear — what got me here won’t take me where I’m looking.

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